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Thursday, November 07, 2002

WHAT INSTITUTION ARE YOU FROM?

or, 100 things to do when you're not blogging:

1-5. Play Bingo with dozens of fat polish women in their 70s. Count your teeth with your tongue and praise the Lord for modern dental care. Really, really, really jones for a cigarette. Giggle at the woman playing like 74 boards at once who has a portable fan in front of her. Snort everytime the bingo-caller lady says "O 69!"

6-8. Make Nigella L*wson's Norwegian Pumpkin Soup, only use fontina because they didn't have any jarlsberg at the market. Rename it Danish Pumpkin Soup. Serve with Manischewitz mandelen even though the soup has chicken stock *and* cheese in it.

9-13. Get annoyed by the CMJ Music Marathon; stay home all four nights and play Animal Crossing. Mail a peach to Mitzi the cat; receive a giant chess piece in return. Win the fishing competition on Sunday with a 25-inch bass.

14-16. Be baffled by logic problems in your boyfriend's LSAT book. Think about the natty suits and large paychecks that are the accoutrements of those in the legal profession. Wonder if boyfriend would have to wear a large powdered wig if American foreign policy forces emigration to the UK.

17-18. Immediately after #4, look up information on reclaiming Irish citizenship on web. Get distracted by reading other people's weblogs instead. Par for the course.

19-22. Read boyfriend's Christmas list (conveniently posted on the fridge). Consult bank account. Look at list again, notice caveat from Santa Claus that says "Brian gets no Tivo unless he enrolls at NYU to complete his degree." Sigh.

23-27. Buy replacement power supply for PowerBook. Buy replacement keyboard for PowerBook. Try to wipe tiny scratches off screen of PowerBook. Fiddle with busted left speaker on PowerBook. Think about ways to raise three grand for purchase of absolutely amazing new 1ghz PowerBook.

28-30. Watch G*lden Girls. A lot. Start speaking in affected southern drawl to the cats. Shake fist at Lifetime Television in vain.

31-33. Pornsit for creepy upstairs neighbor whose parents are visiting. Remind self not to become bitter burnt-out queen. More short term, remind self not to touch neighbor's two gigantic boxes of porn as contents are inexplicably greasy. Or even worse, explicably greasy.

34-47. Rig up stereo to digitize vinyl. Look for pile of vinyl put together last time this task was attempted. Fail to find pile. Start new pile. Make mp3s of one GoGo's album. Feel proud of results. Start to make mp3s of one Blueboy 12". Notice 60hz ground loop hum on quieter tracks. Ask the modern interweb for help. Modern interweb refuses. Rearrange some plugs and cables. Get excited when hum goes away; disappointed when hum returns two and a half minutes later. Give up on project for 13th time in as many months.

48. Look at those PowerBooks again.

49. Watch G*lden Girls again.

50-53. Watch boyfriend beat Pikmin in record time. Watch boyfriend get two-thirds of the way through Super Mario Sunshine while self languishes on second board of Minna Harbor (goddamn boats! goddamn you to hell!). Secretly gloat when boyfriend is unable to wash Gracie's car fast enough to win a prize in Animal Crossing. Feel like a huge nerd.

54-55. Download ChimeraKnight. Kiss its feet.

56-61. Try to sneak around a taping of Law and Order in one's neighborhood. See Ice-T with skanky blond stripper-like "girlfriend" heading for an SUV after the taping. Fail to see Chris Noth. Remember that Chris Noth isn't on that show, and also that he isn't as cute as he was 8 or 9 years ago. Get absolutely blitzed on one and a half alarmingly strong drinks, stagger home feeling a little worse for wear.

62-69. Have one's place of work taken over by cokeheads who buy drinks for on-duty policemen. Have several of one's shows wrecked by thumpa-thumpa dance music reverberating through performance space from the cokeheads' parties. See waitress uniforms for cokeheads' parties (described by one staffer as "uniforms from the whorehouse in Bedrock). See calming artwork of southwestern desert scenes in one's place of business replaced by close-up black and white photos of nipples with razor blades in them. Cry and bitch on phone with boss while rather drunk. Think about ethics of working for these people. Think about not being able to pay rent. Vacilate.

70-72. Find digital camera left behind by partygoer at the cokeheads' party. Go absolutely insane trying to find the right kind of cable to copy the REALLY CLASSY pictures of girl's butts from the camera. Fail.

73-78. Go to a Halloween party. See somebody dressed up as the Baumer from the Royal Tenenbaums. See someone else dressed up as Avril L*vigne. Giggle. Watch someone do a stupid double-speed dance to some breakbeat kinda record. Leave within five minutes of arriving.

79-81. Get the soundtrack to the Buffy musical on CD for free thanks to connected friend. Skip all the songs involving Dawn. Almost cry during a heartfelt crescendo near the end.

82-84. DO cry during an episode of G*lden Girls where Rose celebrates her birthday and talks to the empty chair of her dead husband. Realize one has cried at least three times since last blog entry; try not to come to any conclusions. (Seriously though, before the Concerned Emails start to arrive, I'm not depressive or anything, and anyway the Buffy-crying was mostly out of joy or something. Yeah!)

85-86. Have large truck drive by apartment warning all residents to boil water for three minutes before drinking due to water main break and ensuing contamination. Put down glass of lemonade.

87-88. Watch G*lden Girls again, and laugh at that bit where Dorothy and Sophia dress up as S*nny and Ch*r and sing "I Got You Babe" while Rose accompanies on the upright.

89-94. Install Photoshop 7 and immediately begin to pine for version 3. Continue to pine during the 70 seconds it takes to start up on your 400mhz G4 PowerBook. While waiting, launch Classic and then launch Photoshop 3. Open two files in Photoshop 3. Notice that Photoshop 7 has finally finished starting up. Realize when switching back and forth between the two that the color picker in OS X is really and trully fubar'd.

95-97. Receive phone call from friend at a CMJ showcase who notices that GYLLENHAAL, J and DUNST, K are on the guest list together. Receive second phone call from friend saying they never showed, but news of their couplehood has now been leaked to Us Weekly. Think about how GYLLENHAAL, J gets his hair to stick up like that all the time.

98. Install some icons for my instant messenger program that make a tiny domo-kun jump up and down in the dock when people message me. Hint hint.

99a-c. Upload some mp3s to kiss people's asses: a. an old Helium tune that for some reason really pushes my buttons; i think it's because of a tiny swishy drum moment, or maybe that part where Mary mutters "hunnnnh." b. A stoopid electro remix of Avril L*vigne's Skater Boy that totally made my day. c. The Parking Ticket song from the Buffy musical; the last line was kind of eaten by dialog during the broadcast but it's a nice suckerpunch on the soundtrack.

100. Write a long and complicated list of shit that you should have been blogging about for the last month anyways.

Posted at 04:49 PM

Comments

001. Mark

Wicked. Cheers Bri!

Posted at 06:41PM on Thursday, November 07, 2002

002. caitlin

Brian, I love you even more than I did yesterday. If only for the term 'pornsit'.

Posted at 05:16AM on Friday, November 08, 2002

003. Tim

Sounds like a good month was had. And yeah, the whole 'pornsit' thing cracked me up!

Posted at 08:57PM on Friday, November 08, 2002

004. Ll

I don't have a long enough attention span to read the entire list in one sitting. However, I could kiss you (or have a cute boy kiss you as that would be preferrable to you) for the mention of pumpkin soup. I'm so skankin a Lawson cookbook and getting that recipe and trying it asap!

Also, I've also watched too many (if that's possible) episode of the Golden Girls.

Favorite line:
Blanche: This reminds me of my first kiss.
Dorothy: Why? Was your first kiss in the rain?
Blanche: No, in the shower.

Mwaha.

Posted at 02:38PM on Sunday, November 10, 2002

005. rosemary

It is not possible to watch too many episodes of Golden Girls!!!

Kim Basinger is my Bingo Nu-God. Will we ever win $3200?

Posted at 02:29PM on Monday, November 11, 2002

006. rebecca

ooh! i totally meant to tell you about this when it happened, but then i moved. anyway, okay, at that ritzy coffee shop in soho (the mod orange one with all the eames repros; i believe they refer to themselves as an "espresso bar") with my out-of-town friend. on our way out, i spot el gyllenhaal himself. of course, i plotz. walking down street, i turn to friend to tell her of sighting. i'm all, "do you know who was in there?" but she doesn't know jake from adam, so i'm describing him in very affectionate tones, giving a film history, speaking of his extreme cuteness, and then i see a blurred figure dart in front of us and cross to other side of street. realize that it was jake. jake listening to my idiotic blathering. jake thinking i'm a crazy stalker. jake scared and crossing the street.

send my love to ny.

Posted at 10:38PM on Thursday, November 14, 2002

007. miss tif eye

you kids and your crazy Modern Interwebs! what you need is a good healthy dose of Bingo. ever played Spanky Bingo?