Today was all about bringing cart after cart of mass markets onto the floor. And also complaining about how much I have to do. I get totally stressed out at this time of the month, when I'm supposed to have my zone maintenance done. I was talking to Michele and Al about it, and realized that it's something I really put on myself. Why do I have this drive to be the super overachieving perfect bookseller? Of course it isn't just my job, it's everything I've ever done that I've stuck with for any length of time. I have this whole must the be best thing. That's sort of why I'm so fucked up about meeting guys. I usually figure that if I'm attracted to them, they will never be attracted to me. I'm not pretty enough, my skin isn't perfect, I'm too fat, whatever. After that it becomes I'm too mean, I'm impossible to satisfy. Those are closer to the truth. The rational part of my brain, which seems to be totally dissociated from the rest of me, knows that none of that is true, girls bigger than me with worse skin are in happy relationships with awesome guys, and that sort of guys I'm interested in don't care about that shit. But then, they can at least seem like that sort of thing doesn't bother them. Maybe it doesn't. I like to think that I'm a product of society, that it's the man's fault I'm so fucked up but it's not like we didn't all grow up in pretty much the same culture, and not everyone is a total freak. Or at least not in the same way I am.
In other news, I got an email from Alastair, Andy's dad, today. I haven't heard from him or Jenny in so long, almost a year. He said that he and Jenny were going to begin their walk from Glasgow to Fort William, the one that Andy wanted to take. Every time I talk to them I find out so much about Andy I didn't know. I feel like an imposter claiming that I knew him. If anything I knew one facet of him, and who knew where that part came from? How real it was? I wonder if it was really him or who he wanted to be? I wish I could ask him. It's hard to get mad at someone who's not there, I just get really confused when I think about it. I try to answer the questions I would ask him, and end up going around in circles, or on strange tangents. Sort of like when I write this. Anyway, Alastair's email was really nice. They haven't scattered his ashes yet. I teared up hearing from him. I wonder if I'm really over him, or whether I've just become incredibly adept at distracting myself. How can you tell the difference?
Posted by minka at March 29, 2004 11:43 PM