Yesterday we talked on the phone for a couple hours. Tonight we talked on the phone for a couple of hours. But he dosen't want us to get together again because he apparently can't control himself. According to him. I personally thought he was holding back, but whatever. So yeah. But I'm also realizing that I need to take charge of other parts of my life and not expect him to make everything better. And I kind of want to look around for another guy so I can walk out of this on my own terms and not let him pull the plug. It may be mean, but with his relationship history I think he could use a good kick in the pants to make him grow up. I say this, and yet I'm totally smitten with the guy. I'm making him a mix cd as we speak. And we all know that that means love. Sorry I don't have anything more fabulous to report, I'll attempt to do lewd things to share with my public for next time.
I went out with him again last night. It was so nice. We went to eat, then sat in the park trying to decide what to do, which was good but a little nervewracking as I was worried someone we knew from work would come by and our cover would be blown. We ended up going back to his apartment to watch Cannibal: The Movie. On the car on the way there, he expounded at length on how this was a bad idea, setting a negative precedent, that there needed to be ground rules, etc. I thought it made hella more sense than sitting in a public park. I think he's a little confused, he thinks he can stop this freight train we're on. And realistically, either one of us could, but I don't want to, and when he's with me I know that he doesn't want to either. So I'm just along for the ride and enjoying myself when he doesn't freak me out with the constant guilt trips.
Anyway, the first time through the movie we were very good and sat watching it, even though his couch is really a futon in the down position. So it was a little hard, I was very conscious of him next to me the whole time. By the second time through, there was much kissing and touching as we worked our way through the commentary in which Trey Parker and company grew progressively drunker. Then I stayed on for a while later. Till 3:30 in the morning. I've never been good with the whole baseball metaphor for dating so I'm not sure what bases were rounded, I just know that we both had a good time. But it is weird at work. He'll look at me with this look on his face that just is so wistful. He's jumping the gun a bit on the doomed romance thing, I think you have to conduct a romance before it can be properly doomed, and two dates do not a romance make. Or pseudo-dates. I have been assured that they were not real dates. You know, this is the first relationship I've started with someone who actually lives near me, and who I met in person before having an interest in (I'm actually proud of that) and it's still a fucked up relationship. But really fun whenever my brain is disengaged.
So you know how I've been going on about how I want to date one of my managers. Well, it's happened. The other day I was so utterly miserable that I walked into the managers office, closed the door, and laid it on the table. By it I mean my predicament. I said something along the lines of, "Look, I can't work with you anymore. I'm really, really attracted to you." And he looked stunned and horrified and I was like, oh shit this is going to be so bad. Then he finally said, "Well, I don't think that it's a secret that I'm attracted to you too." I was like, um, well I was hoping so but oh the relief. So then he proceeded to explain that he has a bad history with women and I should run away now and it will never work and if we did date he'd give me about four months before i started "hating him" which seems a bit like passing the buck, I mean I'm not going to hate him without a reason so he's got to lose interest in me first, right?
So anyway, this looks like a bad idea all around. If we're found out, we'll both be in trouble, he's already dated someone he worked with before, when he worked in California so it could be really bad for him. And I can't tell anyone that I work with. Even though on Friday night we went out to talk about our nonrelationship and ended up doing other things besides talking. I know I shouldn't make out with my boss, but I can't help but wonder if that isn't why I'm doing it. Do I have a thing for doomed love? Do I go after guys that I know it won't work out with? I'm just totally following my instincts on this one, though I'm sure that's a slippery slope. I can't eat, I can't sleep, it's been awhile, I'll admit, but why the hell would anyone want this insanity?
I feel ill. Why do I get so hung up over a guy who I'm not even sure is interested in me? This is horrible. I'm looking around for jobs too cause I'm so afraid that if I say that I'm interested in him, he'll shoot me down saying it's cause he's my boss. What I need is a situation when liquor is involved. Work on my seductress routine a bit. You know, for awhile now I've been worried, thinking something must be wrong with me cause I just couldn't get excited about any guys, like, really excited. I'd be like, yeah, he's cute, I'd date him. But there wasn't any sense of urgency. Now I've got urgency coming out the ass (though not literally) and I realize that being blase was not such a bad thing to be. Blase was good. I could function. Sort of. Maybe something will happen tomorrow. Cause I'm not sure how much longer this can last without giving myself a spastic colon.
Another day that was kind of hard to get through. I did a lot of breathing, in in in until my lungs were full up then out through my mouth until I was empty. But I've still had the pervasive tingling along my back that means bad things. My medication has been upped too so it shouldn't be this bad. Just too many things in my head that slosh around, looking for solutions. I'm listening to Mojave 3 right now, I got their Black Sessions from somewhere and it's gorgeous. It's the first album live. I still like the lines "Would you like who you were, if you met them someplace. Would you recognize the lines on a stranger's face." It doesn't come out as well without the music behind it, but I wonder that. Would I like myself or recognize myself if I was just looking at myself rather than inhabiting my skin. I hear a good song and I can live in the song for a minute and it's better than being me. So many things are better than being me sometimes. I hate this so much. I wish I was normal.
I had a bit of a rough end of the week last week. Went all panicky and had some walking in circles trying to turn off my brain fits of time. I'm better now mostly. It doesn't help that I'm in a period of great flux. For me anyway. I need to get a car cause my old car has pretty much died on me. I need a new job cause I have a crush on my boss and I can't date him and keep my job (actually, he'd probably get fired, but since I don't even know if he's interested I can't imagine him switching jobs for me anytime soon). And I have a crush on my boss. He's not the boss or anything, more like an underboss, but still someone with more authority than me. And I haven't liked anyone this much since Andy, I think it's got to be hormonal in large part. I mean, for awhile now I've been trying to get interested in this guy or that one but it's all been kind of lukewarm. And he's not the person I'd expect to like, I wouldn't immediately imagine he's my type, but I guess he is. Maybe I'm just starved for people to talk about films with. Maybe it's because he likes Belle and Sebastian. Could be either/or. I'm also the kind of person who tries to play out a whole relationship in her head before it happens, so I've gone through a lot of this won't work scenarios, I kind of need this lust-madness to get me over the just trying hump. Not like leg hump, like hurdle hump. Rude people.
Last night I had a dream where Andy was there, we had broken up I guess, though I didn't remember why, and we were getting back together and talking and I thought do I want to get back together with Andy or continue with new guy? Ok, in real life I have no clue how that would work out, and maybe I'm making too much of this, but I swear, it was all my subonscious at work here. I'm a master of dream interpretation when it comes to my own and I think that it was my mind's way of saying that I'm ready to try and have a real relationship with someone again. But God I hope I don't end up falling on my face on this one.
I'm tired now, but I feel that I've been neglecting this of late. I'm watching episode 5 of the Singing Detective right now. It was the basis for the movie with Robert Downey Jr., but I'm not entirely sure how they planned to fit all this story into two hours. Or how Robert Jr will stack up to Michael Gambon. The show plays out like a fever dream, which is really what it is. Everything takes place in the head of Philip Marlowe, a writer of detective stories rather than the famous character created by Raymond Chandler. He's ill in the hospital with Psoriasis which makes him look like the amazing peeling man while simultaneously fucking around with his brain. He grows increasingly paranoid and begins to lose track of the difference between past, the detective story he wrote and the present. Scenes are replayed, increasing in significance as new details are revealed. I'm still not done so I'm not sure where it will lead, but I need to give it back to Cam tomorrow. He got it from NetFlix.
My car's acting up. I had a bit of a nervous thing today. But I got some errands done. Focusing on the small things rather than dealing with the big things that make me want to just curl up under the bed. Now that I cleaned everything out from under it I probably can. Good idea.
Oh my god, Alias tonight was so good!!! Please avert eyes if you haven't seen it yet but... Vaughn finally caught Lauren! Beeyotch! She's so loathesome. Is the audience supposed to pity her, cause it's not working. I really want her to go down. Bad. Like crying and stuff. I'd feel bad about this if she wasn't a fictional character.
Speaking of fun with fiction, I saw Ella Enchanted today and it was soooo good. My mom and I loved it. It has musical numbers! To Queen songs! And good ones, not "We Will Rock You" or anything. It did badly at the box office this weekend though. That bugs me, that the Passion did well. Again. Oh, and Ella had lots of good actors in it, like Joanna Lumley and Jimi Mistry and Steve Coogan and the chick from Bend it Like Beckham. So go see it.
Today I came home to three weird emails. After I tore myself away from Tivo. Which will have to go without saying in the future. I got an email from Keith, his Atom and His Package video was released on a dvd. Then I got an email from Amber, this girl I used to be friends with in high school. After I moved to Vancouver Amber was the first person I became friends with, and within a matter of weeks we were pretty much inseperable. And she was a lot of fun. But she was also kind of crazy. I don't know exactly how, she thought she was manic-depressive, and maybe that's so, but soon I found that I was sort of an enabler. Whenever she felt crazy she turned to me. She had a boyfriend and he was depressed to so she would talk to me instead. And then this all started oppressing me and I had a major freak out, like panic attack couldn't be still going off the deep end. This was before I started medication. Anyway, it was more than that I guess, it's hard to remember now, but the upshot is that I basically broke up with her. One of those weird, rare friend break ups where I basically said that we couldn't be friends anymore. She was upset, I was too, and we went to the same school and had a couple of classes together so it was way weird. So anyway, I got an message via Friendster from her, saying that she saw me at work the other day and that she hoped I was doing well and that she understood why I stopped being friends with her then. It feels so weird, like getting an email from an ex.
Speaking of past relationships, I got another reply to my Nerve personal (which I keep forgetting is still up there). The guy looks like Andy. He's wearing a hat like Andy always used to wear, he's the same height. I dunno about the weight though, I can't really figure that sort of thing out, but I can tell he's pretty big like Andy. Most of me is just really freaked out, but part of me really wants to write back. I think that would be a bad idea though. I can't expect to find another Andy and I hope that isn't what I'm looking for. Of course in this case, it found me.
I'm having another one of those days where I'm tired of my job. Too many freaky deaky customers and innane questions. If I've already told you that we're out of calendars, seeing as it's APRIL and you only just now realized that it's 2004, why do you take the extra step and ask for an origami calendar? Do you think I'll be like, hey, we don't have calendars, but we do have origami calendars, I didn't realize that THAT was what you wanted. Or that I got yelled at across the store by about 18 people today, and not in a friendly pardon-me-ma'am type way but rather a "Hey you!" shout, often while I'm in the middle of something else. And so I turn and smile and act as though this person isn't insufferably rude. Then there was the woman who lambasted me across the store while I was walking up to the front, yelling about how we wouldn't let her take her shopping cart full of fake flowers and groceries around the store with her. She wanted us to keep it behind the cash register, which would give the impression that yes, we are bag ladies. Of course she got her way, cause our motto is "we cave." But I was like, um, let me get the manager. She also informed me that she would be spending $100 at the store. I was about to tell her to save it and get a cab. But whatever. I'm tired of this. I'm tired period. Whatever.
After nine straight days of constant blogging, I managed to create a big dent. I've been gone for a few days. Not Saturday, I was here I was just busy getting hair done and BUYING TIVO and working and going to karoke bars (though no singing occured by any in my party so it was a little substandard). This weekend I went to visit Shana in Seattle with my Mom and Fritz. By weekend I mean Sunday through Tuesday. Oh, and there was a wedding on Sunday too. But right now I'm so enraptured with Tivo that I don't want to write. I need to get a laptop so I can write wherever I am.
Brenda came in today to discuss her plans for the reading project. She's an English teacher who sponsors a program at her high school wherein she selects a number of recent fiction and nonfiction books from which the students each choose one to read. Then, on a day around the end of the year, adults in the community come in an host reading groups with the students over breakfast to discuss the books. This year I'm going to be doing Battle Royale by Koushun Takami. In past years I've done The Basic Eight by Daniel Handler and The Scar by China Mievelle. I've also helped select a lot of the books for the past three years, so I get involved in the whole process. I haven't read Battle Royale yet, though I got a copy a few months ago. This doesn't mean much, I work in a bookstore and I pick up a LOT of books; as advance reader copies, strips, and some I actually pay for. I have two 6' high bookshelves in my room, one with books I have read and one with those I haven't. I'm starting to feel oppressed by the amount of stuff I have waiting to be read in my room. I also have a list of books that I mean to read, as well as the movies I want to see that include a whole TLA film guide. Though I didn't mean to begin discussing my obsessions today.
I have a busy weekend ahead. Tomorrow I'm getting my hair done and then closing, so I have a long day. Then on Sunday, Melissa is getting married so I'll be going to her wedding, after which Mom and I will be driving up to Seattle to visit Shana for a few days. We're going to actually take Fritz, which will be something of an endeavor. I'll just leave Minka here with extra food. As long as no one bugs her, she'll be happy. I've got to be up way early tomorrow.
Tonight I closed. Afterwards, Ami and I went to TGI Fridays to do the rundown. Not too much new gossip, marriage is hard, Marie is getting a divorce, I need to get laid, she needs to get laid. The usual. Fritz got the idea to come upstairs with me when I came home. Now he's being a pain in the ass. He's going to get aluminum poisong or whatever from all these stupid candy wrappers he's eating. He's a dog by the way.
Cam loaned me The Singing Detective this evening. It's the original BBC version, not the remake. I'll tell you what I think.