ah, finally i have a computer again! christiaan was kind enough to donate his old thinkpad to me. it's just like having my own back. except of course, all my files are on my computer. le sigh. perhaps when i have money again i shall go to a data recovery place. i mean, i have all my finished poems online. and, let's face it, i didn't have very much unfinished work. but all my translations, all of the expository writing i did for last year, plus my music and my photos... all that is on my broken hard drive.

cza is crashing here because he is homeless. some people, myself included sometimes, think i am a pushover when it comes to him. and those people would be my best friends, who look out for me, and to whom i am extremely grateful. this is just a weird situation, and a really unique relationship. aside from no longer being attracted to cza, i feel the same way about him that i always have. if i can help, i will. i know i will. and i mean, donating his computer (and re-installing windows and formatting) alone makes up for leaving my apartment a mess and being late with the rent this summer. that's what i think anyway. i mean, there does need to be balance. le sigh again. from the outside, our friendship is very weird. his girlfriend's friends think she's nuts because she doesn't mind him hanging out with me or crashing at my house if it's too late to go home. but they just don't truly understand. if we were going to be together, we would be. but we're not. but we still care about each other an awful lot.

tonight i asked cza if he thought he'd marry emily. it makes me sad to think that sue would be a mother-in-law to someone else. it's funny -- i'd never marry cza or get back together with him, but i always wanted sue to be my mother-in-law. and crazy timing -- she called tonight and said how much she missed me. it makes me happy to think i'll always be part of their family, because christiaan and i are still friends.

i am sitting in my very warm bedroom listening to moonpix. sometimes it's nice to be sitting in such warm summer nighttimeness... because every breeze feels amazing.

kimmy and katie are coming next week and i am so excited. i can't wait to take them to yaffa and the hungarian pastry shop and the russian vodka room and perhaps the holiday lounge and for sure h&m ... and in general we will have a fun city time. by then i will have money again. that always puts me in a good mood.

xo.