i think it's safe to say i feel like crap. this has been a hard week, what with my phone dying and fucking up my bank account. but it's more than that. it's good to see abbie and live with kathryn and everything, and to get to know kristen and the other ladies, but i want kimmy here. i want to be with a____ but i can't, and i keep getting my brain stuck on the shitty things that m____ did to me. when i think about him, all i want to do is be self-destructive, and i can't stand how i acted. when i think of a____ i just think about how i can't meet someone like that -- nice to me, funny, talented, sexy -- who is my age and oh, i don't know, lives within 200 miles of me. and lately i think a lot about cza: we would have broken up whether we moved to new york or not, but god i really think if i had to do it again, i wouldn't have gone to columbia. i lost my life, my security, my boyfriend, my financial well-being... all so i could earn a degree in something as useless as poetry-writing which will never get me a job that will pay enough to keep up with bills, so i'm probably going to spend the rest of my life working my ass off just to keep a roof over my head, leaving no time to write poems anyway. i went to new york and my life fell apart. i just don't think it was worth it.

everything seems so epic and sad lately. i don't think it's just that it's autumn. this is so melodramatic, but i am so lonely, and so not here. when i was with cza, i could see my life stretch into the future; i could imagine time and space as good things, and i knew the way. now everything is second-rate and just too hard. it was good to leave new york, and to come to pittsburgh. but i don't know why i left michigan in the first place. if i could only take one memory with me forever, a la afterlife, it would be the first time we went to beaver island, when i was in love with christiaan and his family and the lake and the cottage and everything.

xo.