September 15th, 2005. You can only ever go forwards

Posts here are becoming harder and harder to write, partly because I'm uncomfortable that a lot of the people who read this don't know very much about me. Strangely, starting a new blog where people know even less about me makes life easier.

A few months ago, I felt as if my life was going backwards. The transitions I wanted to make were becoming more undone and less and less likely. The strange thing, though, was that people started to compliment me on how healthy and happy I was looking all of a sudden. People I've known for years started telling me that I've never looked better, never looked more confident. It made me start to think whether the decisions I've made and aims I've had over the past few years have been the right ones after all.

The reason that makes writing this site difficult is this: I'm not really Caitlin any more.

I'm not sure yet who I am or who I'm going to be. Hopefully I'm still looking for the perfect settled-down relationship and the perfect settled-down life. At the moment, everything is nebulous. I could be anybody.

If you've liked this blog and want to read another, I recommend Symbolic Forest. I don't want you to have any preconceptions about its author, though. I don't want you to think of them as me.*

Hopefully - Brian permitting, of course - this site will stay online for a while even if it isn't being updated. And comments will still be read and answered.

* this does not necessarily apply to real-life friends

20:46 Comments (4)

August 28th, 2005. Unseen

As I mentioned in the comments, a year or so ago I was planning a big redesign of this site. I can't draw for toffee myself, but fortunately Dem from Guild Of Ghostwriters offered to step in and do some of the graphics for me.

Given that the New Design has now been abandoned, I thought it would be a small shame if his lovely design was never seen. Here, then, is the header he drew for me:

It's really rather good.

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August 21st, 2005. Missing

I've made the first steps in creating a new website. No idea how long it's going to take me, though.

Dem: thanks for offering to do more graphics. I still feel slightly guilty that, as I've never uploaded the New Design for this site, I've never posted the lovely graphics you did for it. Must make sure I do that some time. Well done on being mentioned in the Guardian, incidentally.

When you wear something forever and always, you forget that it's there. You stop registering it in your head. It's when it goes missing that you notice it; when something should be there but has disappeared.

Well, I've been getting that feeling a lot for the past couple of months, but the strange thing is that it feels as if something I've never even worn has disappeared. Specifically, I keep getting the definite feeling that there should be a ring on my left ring finger, but it's gone missing. Now, I did at one time always wear a ring on my middle finger, but I've never had one on either ring finger at all. For some reason, though, my brain has become convinced that one is supposed to go there.

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August 15th, 2005. Time to vote

As you've noticed - if anyone is still reading - I haven't been updating regularly for a long time now. Getting back into blogging would be nice, but I'm not sure I want to restart this site. Times change, circumstances change, and I'm wondering if I should start a new blog completely from scratch.

Because of that, I'm asking anyone who's still reading to vote:

1) Should I restart?
2) If I do, should I start up a new, completely unrelated site with no links to this one at all?
3) If I do that, should I:
a) start it completely from scratch
b) repost the more interesting and/or popular entries from this blog on the new one
c) keep everything apart from personal stuff?

If I do this, it will take a while anyway, to arrange it all and come up with a decent design. So don't expect this place to vanish. But I'd be interested in what you think.

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July 15th, 2005. An obituary, of sorts

The previous post was written immediately I heard about the London bomb attacks, before any of the details became clear. Since then, I've been to London myself, and returned, and done a lot of thinking.

When I used to update this blog a bit more regularly, I'd write post series on your typical subjects such as What I Did On My Holidays. For example, there was a long, extended series in September and October 2002, about my friend Catherine's wedding. Before I went to Catherine's Paris wedding, I visited London; and I wrote about it briefly here and here.

On that trip, I stayed with a great person called Liz Daplyn. I knew her through Sinister, and we'd emailed each other, but had only met briefly in person. Despite that she was happy for me to stay with her for a couple of nights, and was a warm and welcoming host. She was also: intelligent, witty, charming, friendly, with nobody ever having a bad word to say about her.

Over the next few years, because of stupid things I said and did, I generally fell out with or lost touch with the people I knew from Sinister. However, many of us still posted messages to the same internet places,* and so although I wasn't privately in touch with Liz any longer, I was still in contact with her in a looser sense. I don't know what she thought of me, but it was clear that she was deeply loved and respected by everybody she touched.

On July 7th, Liz was travelling to work as normal, by Underground, when she was killed in a terrorist bomb attack. Her body was formally identified today.

* such as ILX.

21:12 Comments (5)

July 7th, 2005. Hello there

I haven't been posting much. I'm still alive though.

Was supposed to be going to London on Sunday, and spending most of next week there. At the moment, I am constantly refreshing whatever online news sources I can find.

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May 28th, 2005. Eternal

Were I more alert, I would have remembered the following quote several years ago when the war was about to start, rather than re-read it a few years later. It might still be true, but I feel like a lame duck pointing it out to everybody.

"What used to be described as a thoughtless act of aggression was now regarded as the courage one would expect to find in a party member; to think of the future and wait was merely another way of saying one was a coward; any idea of moderation was just an attempt to disguise one's unmanly character; ability to understand a question from all sides meant that one was totally unfitted for action. Fanatical enthusiasm was the mark of a real man, and to plot against an enemy behind his back was perfectly legitimate self-defence. Anyone who held violent opinions could always be trusted, and anyone who objected to them became a suspect."

It's worth still mentioning it, though, because it isn't a quote about the past five years, or the past fifteen. It's not about the Russian Revolution, the American Revolution, the French Revolution or the Glorious Revolution. In one sense it's unimportant when it was written, because it proves that some things never change when leaders get the scent of blood in their nostrils. It was actually written about a war much longer than any in living memory,* in around 400BC, between the Athenian and Spartan power-blocs** of ancient Greece, by the army officer and historian Thucydides.

* in two thousand years, if there are still historians around, they may well see our little four or five-year skirmishes as hot phases in long fights: the Franco-German Wars of 1871-1945, or the Russian Wars of 1945-2017. In which case, my statement there will be entirely wrong.

** The Athenian side was formally called the Delian League, but that essential meant the same as "the Allies" in the recent war: one dominant state, and some smaller ones it could push around.

20:52 Comments (1)

May 26th, 2005. Arafwch Nawr

And I'm back.

Yes, in case you hadn't guessed from the last post title, I was in Wales. I was tempted to write this post in Welsh, before remembering that the only words of Welsh I picked up whilst I was there are the phrases written on road signs.

I was staying in a tiny rural village which isn't famous for anything. It once appeared for two seconds in a pop video by Swedish band Ace Of Base, but I doubt that anyone apart from me has ever noticed that. It was near somewhere else, presumably fairly important, called Llwybr Cyhoeddus. I didn't actually find that town, but there seemed to be a lot of signs towards it.* The sun was hot, the sea cold, the sheep loud, and it was probably very healthy to get away from the office for a while.

* Note for Welsh speakers: that was a joke for you, before you jump in to correct me.

12:41 Comments (5)

May 8th, 2005. ... and dolphins!

At last, a proper excuse to not post anything: I'm going away on holiday!* Next week, I'm going on a camping trip. As it's almost ten years since I last went camping, I've stocked up on all the necessary equipment and made sure I've got everything. I've put the tent up to check that it works still, and keeps the rain off. And I've prepared my itinerary:

• Day 1. Set off, complete with tent, long list of equipment, lots and lots of food, and several weeks' supply of books. Find campsite and settle in.
• Day 2. Go out in search of shops, to buy all the important things I forgot to bring.
• Day 3. Finish reading several weeks' supply of books. Rapidly get bored.
• Day 4. Go out in seach of book shop. Spend lots of money buying more reading material.
• Day 5. Realise that there is no food left, all my cash has been spent on books, and I left my bank card at home. Work out how to survive for a week and a half on two packets of crisps and half a bag of peanuts.
• Day 6. Rain. Spend most of the day wringing out damp clothes, blankets, sleeping bag, peanuts, etc.
• Day 7. Getting a bit hungry. Give up and go home. Whilst packing, find another £50 underneath a blanket. Drive home, stopping at every fast food outlet on the way.

With a plan like that, there's no way the holiday can fail.

* I will try to make sure I get the written-but-unposted London entries online before I go, though.

22:17 Comments (4)

May 5th, 2005. Democracy

I'm going to break the silence, just to say: if you're in the UK, remember to go and vote. Even if you don't want to vote. Even if you hate politics, all the politicians, and think they're just as bad as each other - which, to be fair, they are - it's better to spoil your ballot paper instead of not voting at all.

12:43 Comments (1)

April 10th, 2005. Confession

OK, I have to admit, I'm a bit rubbish. I have all these posts already written, and I haven't managed to put them up online. There's been so much in the news - royal wedding, dead Pope, onrushing election, office politics and so on - and I still haven't managed to write anything about any of it..

My only excuse is that I didn't sleep very well in London, and I'm still trying to catch up on everything. Work, news, email, blogs, everything. I'm still being deluged with mail from Michael Howard, which doesn't help, and there's a busy sideline in wrecking my social life. But I'm going to put a bit more effort in in future. I promise.

22:02 Comments (4)

April 3rd, 2005. And relax

Back again, all Capital City'd out. I have been mostly:

• learning unexciting stuff
• riding round on the underground
• lurking in the British Museum, the Science Museum, et al
• drinking coffee to stay awake

I did manage to scribble draft blog updates in my notepad every day, so at least I've got plenty to write about here for the next week or so. Holiday posts, here I come.

10:40 Comments (1)

March 27th, 2005. Silence

I know this site has been quiet so far this month. There isn't really any excuse for it, other than being lazy. Lazy, and unthoughtful; I've been slipping home after work and drifting off to sleep without really considering much in-between.

The rest of the month, though, is probably going to be even quieter. This time, though, I have a good excuse. I'm going down to London for a week, and I have no idea if I'll have any internet access. In the meantime, I'll take a notepad and pen, in the hope that I'll have something to put on the site when I return. See you in April.

20:23 Comments (5)

March 21st, 2005. Credibility

Shopping at the weekend, with lots of HMV vouchers to use up. My hands were hovering over the CD racks, and heading ominously towards the new Moby album. "Erk," I thought, "how Radio 2 doesn't-really-like-music-but-buys-records-anyway of you!"

Yes, but he did sounds quite good on Top Of The Pops. And at least he sings on his own records now.

But, but, it's still Moby. It'll be played to death on every TV advert for the next year! Even if there's one OK single, the rest will still be bland MOR-dance aural wallpaper.

You won't know unless you try. And besides, why be embarrassed about buying a record? There's nothing wrong with liking something that's popular.

There is something wrong with liking crap, though.

In the end, I had to compromise. I *did* buy the Moby record - but, to balance everything out and maintain cosmic harmony, I made sure to buy an Anti-Moby record too. So, I also got the new Momus record to go with it. And, do you know what? Momus is much better.*

* apart from the long, long track about the Morecambe Bay Chinese immigrant drownings, which sounded like a bad plot-exposition song from a bad musical.

12:58 Comments (3)

March 16th, 2005. Pointless Prize Of The Year Award

And this year's Pointless Prize Of The Year Award goes to Vee, for winning the prize for posting the 1500th comment on this website since ... um ... since I started counting. Or, at least, the prize would go to Vee, if there was one. Sadly, all I have to give away at the moment are empty disposable coffee cups.

20:47 Comments (1)

March 13th, 2005. Spot The Reference

Being a Big Geek, I like nothing more* than to spot references in things. Recognising quotes, lyrics, music, anything. I love the moment when I recognise the background music on some awful TV show or trailer. For example: if you're a regular reader of the Scary Go Round comic strip, you can get a daily email from John, the strip's writer. Each day's email has a whimsical subject line, and on Friday I was delighted - far more delighted than I probably should have been - when I immediately recognised that Friday's subject, "Back in California where it's warm", was a lyric from the Low song California.** Which was not only good because I recognised it, but because it's a very good song. Hurrah!

The downside of all this pattern-recognition*** is that it makes reading my horoscope a very risky business indeed. It makes it very easy for me to read something into the slightest little thing. For example, this week, my horoscope in The Observer says:

"By [next weekend] you'll be facing a changed planetary picture, whose theme tune is a little less conversation and a little more action."

That's what I read, of course, but what goes into my mind is:

"By [next weekend] you'll be facing a changed planetary picture, whose theme tune is a little less conversation with the Office Gossip and a little more action with at least one of the Office Crushes, fingers crossed."

I probably should talk to the Office Gossip less - or, at least, be more careful about what I tell her and how much of her I believe, which isn't the quite the same thing. Just because I think it's in my horoscope doesn't mean it'll happen automatically, though.

The tenous connection between the paragraphs above - it might make sense now but it won't in the morning - is probably caused by the amount of vodka I've just been drinking. Time for more, I think.

* This is probably not actually true. I quite like some other things, too.

** from their latest album The Great Destroyer - available now in all good record shops, and plenty of rubbish ones too.

*** Well, one of them.

22:05 Comments (5)

March 7th, 2005. Input / Output

The plan was to spend my lunch hour writing a long, intellectual blog-post tying together numerous aspects of history, culture and civilisation.

The reality is that I'm slumped in my office chair checking ILX and Livejournal, and slowly drifting off to sleep. Mmm, half an hour of lunch left - just enough time for a nice semi-sleeping nap.

12:31 Comments (2)

February 28th, 2005. Michael Howard Loves Me

Yes, another political post.

Unless you like in-depth political analysis you probably won't be interested in this article* in yesterday's Observer, about how narrow poll margins are a Good Thing for every political party. What caught my eye though, was one line, about the Tories having "a computer programme [sic] of such allegedly awesome sophistication that it can use direct marketing techniques to pinpoint potential Conservative supporters with stunning accuracy."

It caught my eye, because said computer program seems to have my card firmly marked. Barely a week goes by without a letter written personally by Michael Howard landing on my doormat, reminding me that [Insert Candidate Name Here] is striving to overthrow the evil socialist government (or something along those lines). Often, they include a handily choice-free questionnaire too: "Which of these right-wing, tax-the-rich-less policies would you prefer?" In fact, it's amazing how many of their policies, when you come down to it, are all about reducing taxes for rich people - although that's carefully hidden in the press releases, of course. Their spin-process must go something like this:

Policy Meeting, Central Office: "Let's reduce taxes for rich people!"
Press Release: "We're going to reduce taxes! For rich people!"
The Plain People of England: "They're going to reduce taxes! Woohoo!"

The local Tories seem to think that they've got a good chance of winning the Cleethorpes seat in the next election. You can tell they're confident, because they've speedily dumped their previous prospective candidate** in favour of a "senior local councillor"; I'm assuming - possibly uncharitably - that he sees a parliamentary seat as his just reward for years' service in the tedium of local government. I'm also assuming that he is surrounded by friends in the local party, saw the seat as being his by right (rather than some outsider's), and has grabbed the candidacy as soon as it looked like a surefire win.

* By (former) daytime TV game-show host Andrew Rawnsley

** A random Tory from somewhere in the south of England - I forget her name.

12:43 Comments (4)

February 25th, 2005. Flashback

Talking of Edinburgh reminds me: the other day I decided to put some music on, and listened to Dear Catastrophe Waitress for the first time in a few months. I didn't realise just how personally evocative it is, especially the final track. It took me straight back to where I was when I first bought it: in Edinburgh, in the autumn, in my old job. It made me think of autumnal evenings walking from work to my then-boyfriend's flat, through The Grange, looking at all the millionaires' mansions and hoping that one day I'd be rich enough to live in a house like that, instead of my more-than-I-could-afford council-estate flat. It made me think of the smell of leaf-mould, and chill winds, and the particular smell of Gareth's kitchen.

(I've mentioned before that there's a room here at the office that sometimes also has exactly the same smell as Gareth's kitchen; walking past the door there takes me right back, too.)

12:43 Comments (4)

February 23rd, 2005. Personal space

As you'll all probably have noticed by now, the Edinburgh congestion charge referendum was a resounding no, at 46% no to 16% yes.* So, Edinburgh won't be introducing entry tolls. Chances are, neither will any of the other cities that were thinking about it.

Edinburgh does suffer in that there are no easy ways through the town. The City Bypass skirts the outer suburbs, but once you're inside it there are no conveniant major routes that don't lead into the city centre.** There are no radial routes worth speaking of.

Edinburgh's other problem is that a huge proportion of its population are rich. Ridiculously rich. They don't all move out to suburban estates, they move to the New Town, Morningside or The Grange. South Edinburgh has one of the highest concentrations of millionaires in the country. They all own expensive cars, and they don't want to have to get on a bus squeezed up against neds from Penicuik who can't afford their own transport. These people are never going to vote yes to pay money for something they regard as an essential human right.

When I lived in Edinburgh, I didn't own a car. You don't need to. If you live there, you might spend ages moaning about the bus service, but it's better than many other places in the country.*** It's a small, compact city, where it's often just quicker to walk. There's hardly any parking, and the rush-hour traffic is awful; not using your own car really is better. Now I've moved away, I can't do that. I live further from my work. There's no public transport to the office, either. Before I got my car, getting to work in the morning involved a half-hour bus ride followed by a half-hour walk; and the earliest I could get to work was half an hour after the time my boss wanted me to start. At my last Edinburgh job, I walked to work (for 45 minutes) out of choice, but the buses were there if I needed them. Here, there's hardly a choice at all.

* And 38% don't care, obv. Forget all those reports about three quarters of the people voting no, because that's only if you ignore the two-fifths of the people who could have voted but didn't, and the even larger number that could have voted but didn't, because they're not on the retail copy of the electoral roll.

** Apart from Ferry Road, but that's the only one

*** And it's mostly still provided by the local council, and not Religious Nutter Bus Services, Ltd Stagecoach

12:55 Comments (2)